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“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Ok but actually
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?