@94steve_
felt that
@kyle_thatisall
If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.
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@94steve_
@ItsAndyRyan
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
@junejuly12
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
@lunasgarden_
I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.
@MarloMeekins
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
@Fred_Delicious
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
@gitson_shiggles
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
@LackOfShame
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
@fro_vo
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
@dafloydsta
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit