@JessObsess
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
@kyle_thatisall
If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.
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@JessObsess
@realHamOnWry
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be management.
@omgthatspunny
@Sarcasmo718
Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest.
@BillMc7
All You Need Is Love. And an IQ low enough to believe that.
@AlanFelyk
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
@envydatropic
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
@kcmoore51
If we get pulled over this beer is yours.
– Dads
@kiralc
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
@dougbies
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt