@kyle_thatisall

If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.

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@ItsAndyRyan

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

@junejuly12

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

@lunasgarden_

I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.

@MarloMeekins

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

@Fred_Delicious

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

@gitson_shiggles

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

@LackOfShame

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

@fro_vo

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit