@kyle_thatisall

If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.

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@JessObsess

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

@Sarcasmo718

Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest.

@BillMc7

All You Need Is Love. And an IQ low enough to believe that.

@AlanFelyk

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

@kiralc

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

@dougbies

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt