Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁