If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
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[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail