If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
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I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
#NeverForget
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
(2022)
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.