IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
