Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

there has never been a better use of this meme

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard