If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
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Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming