Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.