Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot