If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
You Might Also Like
Stop being racist to kettles.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.