If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
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MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
We know he can swim but…
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!