If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
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Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
A Match(.com), but for socks.