Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day