Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe