Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”

“WHAT?”

“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights