Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what