Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

okay run it by me one more time

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

Doggies just call it style.

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.