If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
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I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN