If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
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me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
💀💀
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though