If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
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A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it