If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
You Might Also Like
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Battery falling down a hole
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY