If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
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Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes