Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄