Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

wait.

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.