Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

me: it’s bedtime.

my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.