If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.