If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
