If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
The cashier just checked me out.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car