If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
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incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?