If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
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Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.