Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

Growing out my freckles.

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it