If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
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I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
How times have changed.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*