If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
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A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.