If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
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I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)