Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

💀

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.