Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

You are not alone 💚

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

new record!

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”