Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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They’re the only culture some people have.

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)