If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
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When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
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WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
How do you like your Corgi?
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Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.