Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room