If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
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Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it