Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

An odd boast

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

Me too

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.