Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.