If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
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Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”