If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
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That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
This was a bad idea all around
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.