If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
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No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Denise please return my vape pen
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.