Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not