@thrill713

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

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@mommajessiec

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

@jeffswarens

Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I’m an idiot

Me: Don’t ask. They swore me to secrecy.

@Glove_Monkey

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

@someofmybest

sorry to bodyshame, but ferrets have no business being that long

@Furry_Beaver

I just saw a guy take a bite out of a kitkat without breaking it apart first. Listen sir, society has rules. Adhere to them please.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

@LuvPug

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

@robwhisman

if you see suicide squad be sure to stay after the credits. lots of people leave half empty containers of popcorn and you can just have them

@jilli212

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year