If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
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Its true…
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra