If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

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11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.


Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I’m an idiot

Me: Don’t ask. They swore me to secrecy.


Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.


sorry to bodyshame, but ferrets have no business being that long


I just saw a guy take a bite out of a kitkat without breaking it apart first. Listen sir, society has rules. Adhere to them please.


Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.


If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.


if you see suicide squad be sure to stay after the credits. lots of people leave half empty containers of popcorn and you can just have them


Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year