If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
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Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.