If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
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My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something