If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
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What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
The booster protects against what, now?
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You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
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It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.