If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
You Might Also Like
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy