Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

Tough love is true love

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first