If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
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My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier