“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
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I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
i love modern commerce
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week