Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

That stupid look on my face, is my face

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

these can’t be my only options

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

God, I love Scotland

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

starting a garage orchestra

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

🤭

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.