Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*