Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

The Birdles

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon

me: look up at the sky???

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?