If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
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Human are so complicated
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Smells like a challenge to me
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!