Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
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My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

😁

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.