Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

Saint West, the patron of selfies

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy