If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
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The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Meanwhile in Canada…
Mornin
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad