If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
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(Musicians.)
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
New tinder profile pic
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I want what they have
