If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
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16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.