If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
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I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Lmao
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you