if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
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Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
the internet really was better 18 years ago
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
PLOT TWIST:
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.