Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

next question.

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

#Caturday

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.