if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
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cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
This makes total sense…
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’