if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
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*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
is it earth
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises