If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

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I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.


[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*


I’m no genius but I’m pretty sure Mexicans with anxiety have Hispanic attacks.


Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.


Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.


3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?


Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.


Note: *coughs*


[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”


Iโ€™m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.


Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.