If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
You Might Also Like
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
christening a ship with an overripe banana
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.