If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
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Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Good morning, Twitter x
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Sing it!
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.