If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
You Might Also Like
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
If looks could kill
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?