If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
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I like donuts.
Twitter:
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Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
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“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS