Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

Oops

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”